Mistaking Lightsaber for Baton, Maestro Kenobi Inadvertently Wreaks Havoc

News in Brief  ◆  April 1, 2015

TATOOINE, Outer Rim Territories -- The Tatooine Opera Orchestra’s “Super-Tatoo-Tuesdays Pops!” concert turned unexpectedly tragic when, after stepping onto the podium amidst rapturous applause, Maestro Obi-Wan Kenobi began conducting with his lightsaber. In less than two measures, the legendary conductor and Jedi master had accidentally severed the arms of all eight first stand string players.

Citing the Galactic Empire’s imperative “The Show Must Go On,” the players heroically continued the concert amidst the muffled beeps and whirs of 2-1B series medical droids. Despite the nearly-simultaneous 16-limb amputation, Maestro Kenobi continued conducting without missing a beat. (It turned out, however, that the legendary conductor was actually unaware of the incident until contacted for this story; the Maestro is famous for conducting with his eyes closed and using The Force to sense and manipulate the orchestral fabric.)

Claiming it was all an accident, the acclaimed conductor maintained that “it’s actually very easy to confuse” a cork-handled baton with a metallic cylinder housing a Diatium power cell and Ilum crystal. Evidently, a crystal-generated blade of pure plasma within a force containment field “feels about the same in the hand” as a conductor’s baton. “Besides,” he added, “it’s very easy to get lost in the music! It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together!”

This incident represents a setback for the Tatooine Opera Orchestra’s Music Director and Jedi Master. After assuming the music directorship, Maestro Kenobi struck up a congenial rapport with the players, many of whom refer to the Maestro as “ol’ Ben.” And according to Board Chairwoman Brea Tonnika, “his midichlorian count of 13,400 was particularly impressive to our most loyal donors.”

But relations became strained when the Maestro announced he would not be residing in Mos Eisley, where the orchestra is based. “I mean, sure, you’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy,” said orchestra spokesman Max Rebo. “But the rent is super low! He could’ve snagged a posh pad right by the hall, but instead he’s living like some kind of crazy hermit out past the Dune Sea.”

This latest incident only adds to the tenuous relationship between the players and their dismembering Maestro. “Our schedule was already gruelling,” said Principal Cellist and double amputee Figrin D’an, “and we normally have to set aside lots of recovery time for our off-season. But now I have an added 9 weeks of physical therapy adjust to these new cybernetic arms?! [Redacted] Nerf-Herders!”

“Sure, I feel bad about the whole thing,” said Maestro Kenobi, “but my training does not permit me to give in to feelings of grief or remorse - the Dark Side are those.”

Last night’s conductor-inflicted injuries were tragic, but not unprecedented. Last season witnessed an episode at the renowned Coruscant Sinfonietta in which Maestro Palpatine - delivering a particularly impassioned cue - accidentally incinerated the entire chorus with dark force lightning.

Prior to this morning’s rehearsal, one of the orchestra’s recent hires, a charming and roguish smuggler-turned-principal second violin, was overheard to be muttering “I have a bad feeling about this.”